Saturday, November 29, 2003

end.

for some reason i've always felt that writing an "admissions" essay is like whoring yourself out to people. i hate it. i hate that shit more than i hate my computer right now. i feel that there is no reason to write an essay on my education, my extracurriculars that i don't have, or anything else about me. what the hell do people expect to get out of these things anyway? a great majority of people lie to get into college, because it's what people want to hear. and if you are truthful, what does it matter? what does anyone care? they're not trying to better yourself as a person. they're not trying to "help" you in any way. they just want your money, and want to seem like a "diverse" school. fuck that. but as it is this whole damn application is due tomorrow (yeah i know i waited until the last day to get it in. like i care.). and so i have to try and write something that won't sound like complete shit. fuck.

Thursday, November 27, 2003

cripes.

um, what exactly is the point of a holiday? i mean i appreciate the days off and all, but...

i don't know.

not in the best of moods.

Wednesday, November 26, 2003

evil thy name is pc

you know right after i posted that last post my computer froze on me again. bastard.

i've been trying to learn javascript. well not really learning it, that would take too much time, so really i'm just trying to mess with the code i already have to see if it will work. on that note, there is no way you can just mimic javascript, like you can mimic html, and learn it. i actually think that i'll have to take an actual class to learn javascript.

but i don't want to learn it anymore. at least, not right now. i will eventually (since my major is going to be computer science), but not in the immediate future.

so i have um, well, two options: post a query somewhere about how to change image width and height in image arrays for specific images (or maybe i can ask salazar next semester when he's back for compsci), or buy this software that (theoretically) lets me create slideshows and then burn them onto a cd, that i can play on a dvd player. or, was it burn a cd to play on computer and a dvd to play on dvd player? either one works. i originally wanted it so that people could play the slideshow on their dvd players, but if i do it in javascript like i was planning (plan #4, considering i think that the whole flash idea fell through) that won't be possible. i can buy the software no problem, i just want to research it first to make sure it's not complete crap.

and you know once i install the software, this evil computer will crash or something like that. why? because it hates me. but at least it's a mutual hate-hate relationship.

so i was in santa today, looking for a javascripting book (and opting out once i figured there is no way i can decently teach myself javascripting). i spent about an hour at bestbuy, looking at things that i will never buy, and looking at software. i didn't want to buy the software then, so i went over to the mall. advice to self: never go window shopping when you don't want to spend money. i ended up buying a brandon lee/the crow 2004 calendar. it was worth the $13.

things i must do this weekend: finish my berkeley application. do my physics project. finish reading dorian gray. contemplate starting my government paper.

clean my room.

no, really. i'm going to clean my room.

sidenote: after spending two hours at bme this morning, i'm totally ready to get my tattoo. but, seeing as i won't have money for it until i get an actual job, i'm going to hold off on it until my july 4th tradition rolls along. hey, i told them when i got old enough i'd switch piercings with tattoos.

mmm. now all i need is to rent x-men 2 this weekend, and i'll be set.

Monday, November 24, 2003

an ode to my computer

why do you hate me with such passion?

what have i ever done to you?

i was not the one that erased one of your programs, causing us to get another harddrive.

i was not the one who downloaded massive amounts of mp3s onto the harddrive.

i was not the one who tried to switch programs and put eudora on you.

no, i was content with you not fucking up with my files, or logging on, or surfing on the net.

but alas, your kind service has now turned to deliberate deviance.

i abhor you.

i would wish you to get a virus and die, except that would mean we would lose all our files.

you would like that, wouldn't you?

heartless bastard.

- signed, the person who wants to take a bat to you.

Saturday, November 22, 2003

listen

i love when i listen to a song and can pick out some riff that i never noticed or payed attention to before. a really cool bass line that's shoved into the background by vocals or guitar, but is just as awesome. some little guitar or drum riff that gives the song a little extra. i like it when i can pick out every piece of a band in a song, mull over how it fits exactly into place with the rest, and be satisfied to know that without that piece the song would never be the same.

sometimes i think music is the closest thing to emotion.

Friday, November 21, 2003

days and nights and this feeling
that just won't go away

i'm so glad this week is over. there comes a point, in all this madness, where you can't move through the days with ease. i mean, you go through life at an expected pace, slowing down a little and speeding up a little now and then, but sometimes you just hit a wall. a subtle act, a comment, a thought, one misplaced thing, just one little tiny thing and life crashes to a halt. that's what happened to me this week. a complete crash. a mental blue screen of death if you will. it's like, you see the signs for days, weeks, or even months ahead that something isn't right. things keep freezing, it's harder to move around, to do what you want in an even amount of time. you keep getting all these error messages that you try to ignore, until all of a sudden it's the blue screen of death.

sorry. i'll move away from the computer references.

i don't know. it's just a thing that happens with me a lot. and a lot more lately. usually i have a good bit of time between the... mental crashes... but recently it's picked up to a week between, maybe less. maybe writing will help, or just let me focus on it for a while.

i can start out ok. you know, not really happy, but nothing really bothering me. and then one little stupid thought gets into my head, something about failing in school or life, something really stupid like... like when i see boyfriend and girlfriend together, or not even boyfriend and girlfriend, just two people, together, and i think why can't i have that? that's semi-normal, that question. what throws me off is i know why i can't have that. i have a list of answers, explanations to all the stupid self-esteem reducing questions i pose to myself. it's validating the answer to the question that kicks it all off. the very act of confirming that i have no choice in a matter. and so with that thought continuously repeating in my head, the days get longer. simple acts become harder and harder to perform. like, i know where things are supposed to go, what i'm supposed to do, what i'm supposed to say, i just can't for the life of me say it. like my blank out on stage last week. i've been over it time after time, i know what i'm supposed to do, but i just can't. i can't write. i can't read. i can't talk. my brain just temporarily coughs and i'm left not knowing what the hell i was doing beforehand. i can still function, move through the day relatively fine, but the mental lapses just get closer and closer together. days become excrutiating. the stupidity of one act, one comment, by anyone gets magnified ten billion times so that everything that they do or say is disgusting. hell everything gets magnified. every sound gets louder, every action more erratic, every touch more invasive. to the point that i can't handle even being around more than one person. classes with more than ten kids in them feel like a packed elevator. it's hard to even go into the halls. that's why sometimes i might snap at you to lower your voice around me, calm down, leave me alone. it has nothing to do with you, it's just that i can't handle it.

and all these things just keep getting compacted, and i keep thinking about everything that i'm not doing that i should be, all the time i don't have to get things done, the choices that i have to make because i don't have that time, the little things i can't pay attention to because i feel i'm so busy. all the people i'm neglecting. and then it just hits one day, that i don't want to be here. at school, at home, here at all. nothing is worth all my energy and sleepless nights. but i can't do anything about it.

and then one tiny thing will push me over the edge, and i've lost it. the point of not being able to function. i can't get up. i can't move. i can't do anything but slightly lose my mind, have an anxiety attack, and cry.

and then i'm relatively ok again.

this week the whole cycle took about two days. and that's what i'm worried about. i'm worried that two days will turn into one day, and then it'll just be one continuous melt down. and you know i'm waiting for it, because i'm quite sure that it's coming. i mean, i can feel it. and it just takes too much energy to fight it.

and i don't know why i write these things on here anymore. but i have a feeling once i stop, i won't be able to do much of anything again.

Wednesday, November 19, 2003

lost in words

and so:

misterblackgentlemen

i found another one. and that has not happened in a good while.

case in point

so i did stay home. it all came down to me just needing to sleep this morning. and i did. till 11am. i really really needed that.

now what to do? ah, homework. but it's not a pressing thing anymore. if i don't get it done, i don't get it done. if i don't get a good grade on a physics or calc test, it's no big deal. so.

things are better. for now. but then again now is all that matters.

Tuesday, November 18, 2003

fade

i don't know what to say. i want to talk, i want to tell you all the thoughts in my head. to just out and say everything i've been pushing away for so long. give voice to my feelings, my fucked up emotions. to just write down without caring, to write without fear.

but i can't.

it's the dilemma of time. one minute i feel one way, i think one way, i am one person. the next minute i'm someone completely different, in thought, in word, in emotion. and both are valid. both are exactly me. in my theory of the person, that every second you are someone else, and that you shouldn't ever put down your past, because it's not you, i should be able to write. write without wanting to take things back, without thinking about consequences of people reading this.

without.

i think sunseri went and told my mom i need a day off after i was in class today, because my mom told me that she thinks it's a good idea if i stay home tomorrow. i was planning on staying home yesterday, and then today, and then tomorrow. but now... it's not on my terms. it's not for me. it doesn't mean anything anymore. it's not a day of rest, a day to catch up on everything that i'm failing to do, a day to myself. it's not any of that anymore. and yet i still can't deal. will i go to school tomorrow? probably. will i feel miserable while there? most definitely, but i should be used to that by now. i should be used to all of this by now.

and it all comes back to where i left off. where i left the life of what should be, what could be, and sank into the life of what is.

and yet, even though i despise hope, and despise dreams, a part of me still wants things to be better. and that's what makes it all the worse.

i can't write anymore. my words are too strained. i need to stop thinking.

Saturday, November 15, 2003

post it

someone remind me that i've started my berkeley application online.

tricky bastards

i really hate spam and popups, but now i hate this new thing "someone" is doing to blogger posts. you might have noticed. somewhere in the midst of a post, there's a link. a goto link. and you think "why would so-and-so put a link to that?" well, they didn't. i didn't. some tricky bastard (since blogspot is free) is now embedding links to ads/other sites in your posts.

just thought you might want to know.

over

i really hate mood swings.

i was fully ready and willing to post about drama. an actual, valid post. but no, my emotions can't stay even for more than two seconds anymore. i just can't handle this shit anymore. it takes too much energy to try and get myself out of depressive moods. energy that i don't have to give.

i just want to be able to sleep all day. not feel sick or sad, not feel anything. just be dead to the world and sleep. but yet again my internal time clock has decided that it doesn't want to let me sleep. or eat. or relax at all.

this weekend was supposed to be work on my berkeley application weekend. i can fill out all the information but i really really don't feel like writing three essays. i just don't think anything i write will present me in a good light. more like just pessimistic. ah well. have to do it anyway and get it in before end of november.

paying off my speeding ticket today. finally. sending my digital camera to get fixed. getting my film from last night developed. if i ever get out of my pajamas i might go into aztlan/4.20 gear and buy some 18 ga cbr's, even though i really don't want cbr's for my helix piercings.

depending on how pissed off my computer gets today, i might wipe out all my stuff in my account. my dad's tells me that it's "all the stuff you download", even though i don't download anything. so i'll just put everything on disk so he'll realize that windows really is shit. wait, he already knows that.

i think i've calmed down enough now. let's see.

so i didn't pay attention to the play on wednesday. i was too busy trying to get all my stuff in order and getting props at the last minute, that i completely blanked out on stage in the middle of my lines. in all my life of memorizing lines and being in plays, that has never happened to me. so needless to say i was thoroughly pissed at myself. thankfully alex got me out of it (thank you alex so much for that. i don't know what the hell i would've done without you). so yeah. i wasn't in the best of moods that day anyway.

thursday was actually really good, for being a thursday. at least i thought so.

last night was by far the best, and fridays usually are. we sold out the auditorium. my mom didn't get to stay in the audience like we were hoping, but she was really pleased with it anyway.

everyone was just awesome. right on (well, except for a couple times...). even with sickness and the stupidity of the administration they were great. you could feel the energy from the audience, and backstage, and it just gave us enough of a spark that we were kicked up to a higher level. sure there were still a couple of technical errors with cues and stuff and a few missed lines, but that's expected. and people ad libbed and got through it without getting frazzled onstage. it was just in all a really great performance. and thanks to all our friends that came and watched us. your support really means a lot.

we had our little cast party with the drama family afterward, and then a few of us went over to ihop after. it was nice to be able to hang out with everybody. and hanging out with sam and oscar is always an experience.

i'm just proud of everybody that was in the production. you guys did a great job, and i know i'm going to totally miss you next year.

mmm. it's almost noon, so i suppose i shall be off.

Wednesday, November 12, 2003

don't fucking fuck with me

ah yes another perfect ending to another glorious day.

wake up feeling like shit so i miss first period.

get into student parking lot and can't find a place because they sold more stickers than there are places and *gasp!* people are parking there without stickers.

come in second period to be met with satan "if you're sick you should really go home". like he fucking cares.

met by a wonderful test in physics. that made my head hurt. seriously.

headache persists as i run around the auditorium trying to make sure my mom doesn't go psycho and get us into another car wreck like last year.

go to run errands. find the most incompetent employees working. get late because of said incompetence.

come back to insane children running around. psycho mother emerges. since i'm not an important character at all, we haven't gotten any of my props together. so i get them thirty seconds before i go onstage.

and bomb.

horribly.

rip my costume off and leave school. to find that it's snowing. insanely.

get home about an hour later.

yeah. i had a fucking great day.

if we don't get a snow day tomorrow i'm gonna snap.

Tuesday, November 11, 2003

body mod and new experiences

i never thought piercings were a big deal.

there's the given standard lobe piercing that all little girls get, some when they're babies, others when they're a little older (for me it was for my 6th birthday). standardly done with the gun. a piercing that little girls beg their parents for because the other girls have them, and it makes you look "older".

little girls are odd.

those girls turn into teenagers and find that they want a navel piercing, because they look sexy.

navel piercings creep me out.

other girls venture into other body mod when they turn eighteen, ear cartilage piercings, nostril piercings, tongue, labret, eyebrow. some do it for fashion, others rebellion, others for personal belief, others because they turned eighteen and feel they need to get something pierced.

i just did it because i felt something was missing from my ears.

anyway, when i turned six, i wanted my ears pierced by my aunt mary. i didn't see anything weird with a family member piercing me, but i guess she didn't feel completely up to it, so we went to a jewler. in devargas, i think it was called chavez jewelers, on the corner across from the candy shop. i remember about four or five family members took me. after being shown all the birthstone studs i could pick from, i picked a turquoise one (no idea what month, all i knew was that topaz was ugly yellow, and turquoise was my favorite color at the time). i sat down, the lady piercer/employee there marked my lobes, got the gun, put the stud in, and pierced me. from what i remember, it was a seriously painful moment, and i think i might've cried a bit. i was a little wimp back then. anyway, i loved that i now could show off my pierced ears to my little friends, and that the jewelry was turquoise studs.

fast forward a little over two years ago (2001). my brother got it into his head that he wanted his ears pierced. he was too afraid to do it with the gun, so he got my aunt maria onboard to do it (my aunt's an old hippie. 'nuff said). i went with him, since i was totally into piercing and figured he needed some moral support. after he got pierced, they had an extra pair of gold hoops left, and would i like my ears pierced too? i said sure, i'd been thinking of getting a second lobe piercing anyway. i thought my aunt's diy method was pretty good for just finding things around the house. a sterilized sewing needle, betadine, rubbing alcohol, ice to numb the ear, and cork. i put the ice on my lobes while my aunt put the gold hoops in betadine. when i thought my ears were numb enough, she drew a dot where she thought the placement would be (if i'd have known i was going to get another piercing a year later i would've had her place it closer to my first piercing). i said ok, and she got the sewing needle and put the cork behind my ear. a quick stick and she had my ear pierced. getting the hoop in was a little complicated, since the hoop had a little curve at the end of it, but she straightened it out and put it in. lather rinse repeat and i had both ears done.

this happened on the fourth of july. later that day we had a little party with a fraction of my mom's family, and i joked about how i would make it a tradition: every fourth of july i'd get my ears pierced, and when i was old enough, piercings would change to tattoos. i thought it was a pretty good idea, not for liberation or anything related to independence day (although my family tagged those things onto the tradition), just a good date. guaranteed one year of healing time between piercings, in the summer so i could get used to them. a good idea.

of course two was not enough. i needed another set to balance them out. so july 3 one year later i went back to my aunt (i see nothing wrong with diy lobe piercings) to pierce me again. i bought another pair of gold hoops from walmart and switched them with the ones i got pierced with. so, using the same hoops we used before, she set up to pierce. same procedure, same experience. except the placement on my right ear was off, so she had to pierce it again. no big deal with lobes. so i now had three sets of lobe piercings.

when people say piercings are addictive, they aren't kidding (especially when you don't have a bad experience to make you want to stop getting pierced). in april and may of this year i started seriously thinking about a helix piercing. i didn't think that i'd be able to fit another lobe piercing, so if i wanted another piercing (and i did) it would have to be cartilage. i googled for information on cartilage piercings and got some really great sites. i also found bme. i got educated in the do's and don'ts of cartilage piercings, mainly that you should NEVER do it with a gun (actually you shouldn't do any piercing with a gun, and that in most states piercing with a gun (except for lobes) is illegal). i learned healing time, aftercare suggestions, placement names. i read piercing experiences over at bme and learned the cons of piercings: keloid scarring, cartilage cracking (with guns), infections. after all that, i still wanted the helix piercings.

so in june i started looking at studios. i went to aware (hailed as the best studio in santa fe), but when i walked in i just got this really bad vibe. like i wasn't supposed to be there. maybe it was an off day, maybe i was having an off day. i don't know. anyway, i went over to fallen angel here in espaƱola. the moment i walked in i felt good. sawbones was awesome. he answered all my questions i had about cartilage piercings, and talked to me about the horrors of the gun. i decided right then that that was the place, and told him that i'd be in july 3rd.

since i was still seventeen, i had to have my mom come and sign for me to get pierced. we were babysitting my little cousin at the time, so we brought him with us. we walked in, signed the papers, and payed for the two piercings. sawbones had me come into the little piercing area and sit down on the chair. there was this other lady there, i guess an apprentice, so we talked a little bit while sawbones got the stuff ready. he washed his hands and layed all the piercing stuff in their packages on the little table. he put on the gloves, opened the packages, and put sterilization stuff on them (even though they were already sterilized right out of the package). he said he was going to put in 14 ga jewelry, so we would pierce 13 ga. he asked me where i wanted the placement, and i showed him. i didn't want them on top, it didn't look right to me, so i put them off to the side of my ear. he marked my ears with a marker and showed them to me. it looked perfect. so he clamped my left ear and got the needle ready.

throughout that time and before that we had been talking about cartilage piercings. about how they're supposed to be one of the most painful piercings ever. once they found out i wanted both ears done, not just one, they kept stressing to me that it might be painful. but i was going to get them both, pain or not.

sawbones asked me if i was ready, i said i was, and the next second he had it pierced. i didn't think it was the most painful piercing ever. i didn't think it was painful at all. heck, my lobe piercing hurt more that this one. i think they were kind of amazed, because i didn't flinch or tear up or anything. i was just sitting there smiling the whole time. putting the jewelry through was the oddest feeling of the whole experience.

i read on bme all these accounts of the piercer telling you to breathe, and on the count of three they'd pierce. he didn't tell me to do any sort of breathing (although i did some yoga breathing anyway) or count to tell me when he'd pierce. i thought it was fine though, it worked out perfectly for me. he was very quick and very professional (and sanitary. everything in original sterile packaging and gloves were changed several times), and i was very happy with the whole experience. i don't think any instruction on breathing or counting down to piercing would have made any difference.

and about the whole hearing the "pop" with cartilage piercings... i didn't hear it. just another little thing that was different with me.

so he finished up the right ear, same as the left. i looked in the mirror afterward and felt that they were absolutely perfect. i thanked him and walked out with my mom. i could tell she was nervous about the whole thing, but my parents have never had any problem with me getting pierced, and she knew i knew what i was doing, so she was fine with it all.

i did the aftercare, washing with antibacterial soap 3 times a day (which quickly turned to two times a day since i'm so lazy). i didn't start sea salt soaks until about a month and a half, maybe two months later. in all, they hurt like a bitch whenever i touched them, which was only when i was washing them, and whenever someone else touched them. i had them decently semi-healed when i went to the state fair and totally fucked them up with one ride, essentially re-piercing them. definitely not fun. and right now i'm back to the point i was before i went to the state fair.

i still really really like the piercings, they've just become more of a hassle now is all. i don't terribly mind still sleeping on my back and not my side, and the daily upkeep isn't hard. it's just that it's so damn painful when anyone touches my ears (oh yeah, i love it when people randomly come up to me and grab the sides of my face, smashing my ears. it's such a great feeling). i need to change the jewelry to 18 ga, and maybe that will help with some of the discomfort. at least, i'm hoping. i really don't want to lose the piercings, but with everything else going on right now, if they don't stop being angry bitches they'll have to go. i guess that was my reasoning for writing this post, i don't know what to do about them.

and to think i entertained the idea of getting another pair for my birthday.

if/when they finally heal up (i still have eight months to go), i'll definitely think of getting another helix piercing. i won't do tragus, since i think it's too small, and daith piercings look really painful, so i'll stick with helix. i actually really like labret piercings, but with my summer job (that i'm hopefully getting), they wouldn't be thrilled with a loud facial piercing. so.

of course the next project and possible fourth of july tradition piece will be the tattoo, but i'll either have to somehow convince my dad to let me get it, or find a temporary living space until i go to college to be able to get it.

mmm. any piercing stories of your own i'd love to hear them. or go to bme and post your own there.

Monday, November 10, 2003

the mono cold game

the count: 3 people in the play currently have this damn cold. i hope that number goes down tomorrow, but from that feeling in my head (the one that makes me think my head is going to explode) i doubt it. seems i gave it to alex. and that's never good.

maybe i could stay home tomorrow.

oh wait, i have a physics test. damn. physics and calculus mess up everything.

ugh. must lie down.

Sunday, November 09, 2003

things that make me feel sick

this damn cold that i caught from daivd. well i don't actually know that i caught it from him, but it seems like a pretty good theory. anyway my head feels like it's going to explode. moving on...

this damn computer. froze on me again today. twice. it's like bad karma or something. i don't know. i'm too out of it to cuss the computer out anymore.

being in the middle of a flame fest. and, being that i have a policy that you can say whatever the fuck you want and it stays there since it's your own damn business, not being able to say anything about it. i don't know if it's just me now (since something in my head snapped in the past two weeks), but i really don't see the point in any of that kind of stuff anymore. not that there was a point beforehand. fuck i need some ibuprofin.

i'm tired, slightly pissed, and confused as all hell.

where's a mental health day when you need it.

Saturday, November 08, 2003

must get a mac

i hate this computer again. there was a little moment where i actually was fine with it. it stopped freezing or throwing me off the net unexpectedly. it stopped messing up my files and loading time. it was running ok.

and then i start trying to move pictures around, and it just kicks me again.

i seriously. hate. this. computer.

i don't know if i'm getting a cold, or i had one, or i just feel sickly for no reason, but i really need to get better by wednesday.

bah.

Thursday, November 06, 2003

things i don't know how to say

i don't know what to say.

i mean, i know i should say something. i should have something to say that has meaning, but i don't. something grand and revolutionary and life-defining, but i can't.

today was just like every other day that has ever been and every other day that will be. and i was fine with that. today has never been a big thing to me, as far as i can remember. there's no change, no revelation. no huge success. no life altering experience. no new knowledge. no new feelings. it's just the same.

and why i have such a hard time with people pointing today out as different, to me, to others, to the whole school, i guess that's it. i'm glad that people care, if they do care, it's just hard for me to be pointed out. i try to stay in the background (even though i probably shouldn't). it's just such a damn shock to my system when i'm singled out, even slightly.

i'm... well i'm really emotionally messed up now. because of the whole day in general. because of specific situations. because of people's reactions to one another. because of misunderstandings that will forever be misunderstood since people don't take the time to try and understand. because of good natured people being overlooked and blamed. because it seems like people really don't give a shit.

and i just can't get it.

i don't know how to handle things in my life. i don't know where i'm going, i don't really care.

i'm eighteen now. supposedly. i don't feel any different, not that i ever expected to. age is relative. days set aside for "celebration" don't matter, only the feelings and actions within them.

i'm so out of it i can't even put together sentences anymore. i don't know.

i'm going to put this up, because i never in my mind thought that anyone would ever think about me, much less write about me. she said she wrote this a while ago, i don't know. maggie, i hope you're ok with me putting this here.
i know a girl who makes hemp jewelry. her chocolate hair is soft and fine -- so slippery in your hands it must slide over your fingers like soap. this girl, with 2 cartilage piercings and a sometimes psycho mother who's a little too catholic, sometimes feels lost. lover of fire, and a certain boy, this girl i know longs to be close to people, but is afraid to let it happen. she lives in espaƱola and drives a granny-car with a trunk large enough to hide several bodies and doesn't drink even though her friends sometimes do. this girl i know, with a best friend named alex and a thinks-he-knows-it-all satan called a brother, is the goddess of html, and blogs too. when she posts she sometimes admits to being afraid, which is hard for people to do, and she helps anyone else with their own blogs when they don't know what to do. this girl, who doesn't have braces anymore and wears a blue sweatshirt instead of gray like last year used to eat lunch at my table. every day, milk and red grapes. and usually saltine crackers. all this came in a lunchbox shaped like a rectangle, but she never ate it. instead she had a dr. pepper and gave to the others her food. i know a girl who cares. who has more than general intelligence -- more than she'll admit to give. this girl, who loves flickerstick and wants to go to berkeley is not alone, even if she sometimes thinks so... i know a girl who makes hemp jewelry.

Sunday, November 02, 2003

where will you go

stolen from redandblack, who stole it from someone else.

pick a band. answer with song titles.

flickerstick

are you male or female? girls and pills
describe yourself: blue
describe your bf/gf/interest: got a feeling
how do you fell about yourself: sorry... wrong trajectory
where would you rather be? telling all the world
describe what you want to be: the tourist
describe how you live: hey or when the drugs wear off
describe how you love: lift (with love we will survive)
share a few words of wisdom: all we are is gone

all we are is gone

i don't know what to do.

i've contemplated life too damn much in the past few years, and now my thoughts are staring me in the eyes, and yet i'm still so damn conflicted.

i took satii's yesterday, and i didn't care nearly enough about them. i didn't care about getting into berkeley... and if i happen to get in, do i even want to go? i have to fill out the application and write my essays, but what am i going to say? it's not important to me. i could lie (like i did to finally get into nhs), but what's the point? what's the point of wasting money and time that we don't have, just to get out of state. all i want to do is learn web development. i could do that wonderfully at nmsu. tuition's less than it is at st. mike's.

aw get off it already.

october went by so slowly. november will no doubt go by equally slowly. the days all fall into each other, and i can barely pick out one day from the next.

i need a change.

i need to change.