well then

let me first say that i really, really appreciate any comments that i get on my posts. i want to be critiqued as a writer, and leaving my comments script on my blog is the only way i can get some constructive criticism from the handful of people who visit here regularly. or irregularly. either's fine by me.

but it seems i must address this subject. again.

i'm totally up for free speech. people can say whatever they want. but as the owner of this blog, i can use my right to delete comments that i think aren't constructive to anyone, and if anything resemble the startings of a flame fest.

i'm all for criticism. if i didn't want criticism, i wouldn't have comments. but constructive criticism, not comments based on who you think i am, personally. i think about three or four people can adress me very personally in the comments, and that's because they're around me every day. i hate things being pushed on me, because someone has a skewed idea of who i am. and this is "the person", not "the little things of the person at the time that i present them online".

and maybe i am overreacting to this whole thing. maybe i'm reacting personally rather than unbiased, like i do to everything else on the net. in fact, i know i'm reacting personally.

but then again i see those comments and it seems to me that you're reacting personally also.

chris, you're right. you have a right to free speech, and i shouldn't bitch about it. but, you know, instead of just disagreeing, you could suggest something i could do to change my situation.

kind of like, oh, i don't know, constructive criticism.

to everyone who has bothered to read through this whole post, thank you. and your comments are still greatly appreciated.

especially to shadow and error, whose comments have really helped me to focus on what i really am trying to say/write.

and of course to alex, kyle, and brian.

there's some linkage to tide you (and me) over for the next 2-3 weeks, seeing as how i have too much homework to do and no creative streak to allow me to write.

off.

always turns you blue

i stopped writing in my creative writing journal.

i don't know why i feel the need to say that, except that i started this semester with optimism, with the firm idea that by writing every day i'd eventually be able to break through the wall and be... well again. what is it? if you do something for 23 or so days straight, then you've created a set routine and you'll always be able to do it. write every day and soon it won't be a challenge to write every day.

it's nothing anymore. i was so tired two weeks ago that i decided not to write one night. and then the next. and then the next. to a point where i don't even think about the possibility of writing daily. well, obviously. i haven't posted in over a week. and i remember when not posting for a week was such a hard thing to do.

it really hit me hard on friday. you write a line, i write a line, but every single word of mine seemed to defile the words that you wrote. and i thought why do you keep doing this, you're just holding him back. i thought there was a time when i could write like that, and now i can just read him and be totally amazed and overwhelmed. in a good way. and at the exact same time think i've lost it for good.

and i think, i'm just walking around in a totally grey being. you know, i'm not here like i was before. like every time when something really good happens, blue moments are followed by a stream of tears. i have my theories, and my beliefs, and at the same time it's just... futile. why do i bother with school? why did i ever bother with school? it's come to the point that now, now that i'm just done, i can't let go of it at all. i can't go from getting A's to getting a D.

and all of this isn't making sense anymore.

i realized last week that my vocabulary has gotten horribly horrible. and it disgusted me. when the only things that come out of my mouth are "that's hard core!" and "holy shit" and "awesome". it made me so disappointed. that i've come to a point in my life where i feel the need to answer people, to fill silence with stupidity. there's a reason to not talk much, so that when i do say something, it means more.

and now, ever since i wrote the story, the last thing that was decent, i can't do it anymore. i waited three months to be able to cut again. three whole months of telling myself that i had to be scar free on stage. that it would be unprofessional to compromise a production like that, 'cause it's a team, it's bigger than you. and i had it planned, the whole week before, when it was almost unbearable, that the last night i would give myself the release. but it just wouldn't happen. i was too grey that night. and it didn't happen that saturday. and i was so fed up with myself, that i didn't feel the need to do it, not because i was ok but because i was too grey, i was so fed up that i decided to write about it. i never intended other people to know. i never intended anything out of it. and i certainly as fuck didn't intend that i'd never be able to do it again.

it's what, a month later? and what's the excuse now. prom. and why? because this time, it's going to mean something. setting myself up for disappointment.

disappointment. i'm disappointed that i don't have any scars. every cut and scrape that was made unintentionally, the one on my ankle from where they put the iv when i was born, the long cuts on my knees from just being a kid, the ones on my hands from burns and cat scratches, the second surgery iv line on my left hand, the two separate scars that look like i got a c-section (that the doctor made so they/it can't be seen in a bikini... not that that's a problem). all those are now unwanted. the increasing idea was that, with a tattoo, with that tattoo, i'd have the visible scar. the visible modification on my body, more than metal those can always be taken out. with this visible symbol, i wouldn't feel the need to cut anymore. that i'd be past that lifetime. and now... now i want the scars. scarification vs. tattoos, it's a weird contrast. and it's hard to explain, since in my head it doesn't get explained, just understood without words.

and... i don't want to force myself on the people i love. i don't want to feel that they're listening to me out of courtesy, that i'm this thing that they're forced to deal with.

and i just want to be able to be myself again. i want to write.

burn the life right out of the stars in my eyes

it's weird, driving on a crowded city street, window open, thunder rumbling, cd blasting, and feeling that you're so terribly alone. to know that somewhere in the same city, somewhere close, your best friends are living out their lives, doing something, going somewhere, being someone. and all i want to do is keep driving. maybe lay on top of my car and let the rain fall on me. kind of like a rebirth in the past moments. i get so bitter and tired when i'm not around people. it gave me a reason to get out of bed today. to put on a pair of jeans and my black shirt and my black dm's, and somehow feel good about feeling so horrible.

what was up about last night. i don't know. i don't know. me not being somewhere with anyone just made me feel even worse, so that i not only felt sick, i also felt over-emotional and hung up over what will never be. i'm supposed to be writing poetry. i'm supposed to be doing my econ project and my calc worksheet and memorizing physics project stuff and writing poetry. but my mind just shut down after tuesday. and now this whole weekend is shot.

there's not enough time to do everything, so why do anything. i need to let me go.

everything i write seems so... forced. all of my poetry seems forced and it's just like before, just turning in complete shit because it doesn't matter anyway. nothing's helping. last week was some kind of a fluke, and now i'm paying for it. i'm so tired of the high school drama. i'm tired of people expecting me to come through for everyone else, expecting me to go with the flow and not cause any problems. i wanted to scream at the rat to let me leave and never bother me again, because obviously you're not listening to anything i say. you're just saying how stupid i am and how i have such a big problem and it was a cry for help and blah blah blah. but i was having a good week so i took it. i took it and i let her talk to me like i was some kind of idiot. but apparently she's against piercings and tattoos, and against abortion, and against si, so i felt so much better about disliking her, because anything i claim to and can carry on conversations about, she's against. so. but nothing's happened so far. and if it's up to me nothing ever will.

and as much as i need to be angry, i'm not. as much as i need to just totally abandon everything, i can't.

i hate talking to myself on a computer into the internet. i hate it because it's the only place i can talk. and apparently it's the only place i can write.

cripes i can't do this anymore. i think i should rethink my stance on everything.

badgers and spoons

i forgot to post this as i had been wanting to since two weeks ago.

badgers. compliments of weebl, as in weebl & bob.

the senses and the mind

today i was basically told that almost all of my beliefs about life and who i am are stupid.

i can't find any official literary symbolism for a rat, but i'd think it would have a very, very bad connotation.

anyway...

even if you're not into body mod, i have to recommend you the articles at bme. they're all really interesting (at least, to me they're really interesting).

two: sh1ft.org just came out with the new project: q&a: the photographic interview. i missed out on the 26 things scavenger hunt back in november because my camera was temporarily dead, but i think i'll totally do this one. if you like photography, or just have a digital camera that you want to play with (or one of those kodak fun cameras) go for it. see what you can find in the world you usually ignore.

i think this high i've been on will abruptly end in a couple hours, and i don't know if i'll get this back in the next month, or months for that matter.

depending on how things happen tonight i might take the blog offline for a while. hopefully it won't come to that, but i always expect and plan for the worst. so.

off for homework.